Monkey Motorcycle Gangs

Tawain's National Police Agency have issued a warning against, believe it or not, monkey motorcycle gangs. Harley Davidson recently closed a plant in Tawain, due to trade restriction the company could not export hundreds of motorcycles and Harley Davidson merchandise. The plant was located near a protected wildland home to the largest concentration of Macacus monkeys. Upon the abandonment of the Harley plant the monkey population invaded. Monkeys have been spotted all over Tawain riding motorcycles and wearing leather jackets. At first many thought it was some joke or a publicity stunt, further investigation revealed that the monkeys had taught themselves to ride. The monkeys have causes many accidents with their out of control behavior. So far an estimated 200 have been injured as a result of the monkey's shenanigans. Director-General Ing-Dan Hsien said, "I think this situation stresses the importance of obtaining a drivers license and receiving the proper training to operate a vehicle." Many citizens have been afraid to leave their homes for fear of the monkeys which travel in large packs. Hsien went on to say "We are fearful the monkeys will form out of control motorcycle gangs which are so prominent in The United States." Not missing an opportunity to cash in we are sure the Discovery channel will be creating a new show about the monkeys and their motorcycles.

Paperless System Outrage

Environmentalists are in an uproar over the shift from paper to paperless systems. The National Recycling and Environment Protection Group (NREPG) ordered a boycott today of all paperless systems. Paperless technology has been on the rise since the decade began. Today everything from the newspaper to important contracts are now being produced without the use of paper. Debra Wilmont President of the NREPG, gave a press conference earlier today. "If we stop using paper what will we recycle? We need paper so we can do our ecological duty. " The NREPG launched a campaign last month targeted at elementary school children to teach them of the importance of recycling. "The children will never learn to recycle if they never use any paper. For the sake of the children I am begging everyone to return to using paper." Several large institutions have listened to the NREPG's demands and returned to their old heavy paper usage systems. Of those making the switch is the New York Stock Exchange who are replacing all digital tickers with old fashion paper tickers. Marshall Carter Chairman of the the NYSE said "we want to do our part to help the environment, if we have to use lots of paper to do so then that's what we will do." The switch back to paper systems is a trend that is expected to continue.

Fast Turtles?

A new study recently published in the South African Journal of Turtles shows that the speed in which turtles moves is faster today than when the study began in the 1920's. Walter Kromtoph, a Yale PhD. in Research and Biology, started the study in 1923 after reading "The Tortoise and the Hare" to his son. Walter never believed that turtles were as slow as they appeared. This sparked his life long quest to discover the actual speed of turtles. Walter Kromtoph passed away in 1987 before the study could be completed. Walter's grandson, Philbert, took over the work, "my grandfather gave his life to this quest and I would not rest til I had found the answer to it. 18 years later I have finished his work, the turtle is faster than they let us think. I believe the turtle has been sparked by the current health craze sweeping the nation. I never saw a turle eat a carb even. Its no longer cool to be slow and slothful. Turtles are very social conscience creatures who want to be 'en vogue' as we all do. Look at me for example I was wearing bow ties and a pompadour hair cut way before it was all the rage, as it is now. Just look at Owen Wilson that guy is always stealing 'the Turtle Man's' style." The implications of the findings of this study have yet to be seen.

Everyone is going to Hell

The Cayman Islands' Tourism Bureau launched a new campaign this week to encourage you to come to Hell. Tourism is the number one industry of the Cayman Islands. Dede Vile head of the Cayman Islands' Tourism Bureau said "of course we want more people but our main goal is to clear up the misconceptions about Hell. For instance it's not as hot as everyone thinks it will be but I don't think it will freeze over anytime soon. We also have lots of turtles, I even own a turtle farm, the Dede Vile Turtle Farm, a great to place to stop by when in Hell." The tourism bureau is also offering incentives to travel agents to encourage people to go to Hell. Lucy Furr, travel agent, said "I send people Hell a much as I can. I send men, women, singles, couples, honeymooners, families. Lots of people don't realize what a family friendly destination Hell is." Hell is also becoming a vacation hot spot for A-List Celebes. Lucy Furr sends many of her celebrity clients to Hell. Justin Timerberlake loves snorkeling down there with Dede Vile's turtles. Kanye West and Jamie Foxx have been spotted having a great time in Hell, playing bocce ball. Recent Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx was caught raving about Hell, "ever since I won the award things have been crazy I have been really busy. With all the success comes a lot of deal making, which is how I got sent down here." Hell will continue the heavily promote the campaign for the next year.

Beware the Yo-Yo-ers

The FBI recently posted a warning on their website warning suburban residents of Yo-Yo gangs. Yo-Yo gangs are a new trend sweeping America's suburbs. A Yo-Yo gang is comprised of a bunch of youths who walk around at night Yo-Yo-ing and causing trouble. Apparently the Yo-Yo is used as a diversionary tactic, three or so youngsters will perform Yo-Yo tricks for the victims while the other members of the gang will commit the crime. Yo-Yo Gangsters generally target the elderly, since they tend to be amused easily. These Yo-Yo Gangsters are ruthless they have been known to steal walkers, canes, blue blocker sunglasses, suspenders, and even their weekly pill cases. Margaret Olson, a retiree who was a victim of a Yo-Yo gang had this comment "I don't feel safe anymore. First I had to worry about the Robots taking my medicine, the my good for nothing son and now street toughs with Yo-Yo's. What has the world came to in my day..." Margaret fell asleep mid-sentence so we could not conclude our interview. We also had the opportunity to speak to five time world champion Yo-Yo-er Chip Harsnworth, "... they give the sport a bad name. Yo-Yo-ing is not about the flash and the glamour is about the love. There is no love in stealing, they stole the love from the sport. [Minutes of crying] I can't believe people even watch these disgraces my Timothy can Yo-Yo better than these chumps." In the meantime the FBI has outlawed the sale and use of Yo-Yo's and are asking the public to be aware of anyone carrying a Yo-Yo.

The Latest Edition to the Saab Line-Up

General Motors' Saab division has recently suffered some financial hardships due to poor sales. Gary Cowger President of GM hopes to turn the company around. We recently sat down with Cowger "With Saab, we looked at our competitive advantage, Saab has made fighter jets for years, they know jets, they are jets. Our plan is to create a Saab for the United States based on the Gripen Fighter. The Hummer and the SUV were what the 90's was about, today is about the Gripen and the personal fighter jet, the PFJ. With a PFJ there is no more traffic, you can just fly over it. I think the best part is when that guy cuts you off you can blast him right out of the sky." Just because it is a fighter jet does not mean it will be luxurious. Some of the features expected on the Gripen are a removable third row seat, premium sound with your choice of XM or Sirius Satellite Radio and an iPod dock located in the center console. "We also wanted to go after the Hip-Hop crowd like Chrysler has recently with their new models. Standard on all models will be a chrome grill and get this 26 inch spinner wheels baby! Since 50 Cent got the first Charger off the assembly line we decided to give the first two Gripens to Flava Flav and Sir Mix A Lot. With the fan base both these artists can bring in this is sure to be a hit." The Gripen will go on sale next summer as a 2007 model and will undergo a name change. Cowger said it will most likely be called the 9-9x. We here at The News Zone hope we don't cut off the guy in the 9-9x at the Costco parking lot.

The Lab Mice Unionized

Zneph Corporation filled for bankruptcy today. Zneph Corp. of Königslutter, Germany has a been the most fertile pharmaceutical company in decades, curing 20 diseases in the past 10 years. The reason for the company's financial woes is the unionized lab mice the company uses. Last month acclaimed anthropologist, Art Toffle, visited the labs to conduct a study onthe laboratory mice. The focus of the study was to see what would have if the mice created a union. PETA hired the law firm of Brixton and Moore to handle the negotiations. The mice received a rather nice package which included medical, dental and life insurance as well as a pension. Sadly the day after the union was established all the male mice suffered fatal heart attacks when given the companies latest impotency cure. Charles Walsh, the lead scientist on the project said "don't feel bad for the mice, Willy the mouse's widow will receive more money from her husband's passing than I have in my ten years working for Zneph Corp." Other pharmaceutical companies have outlawed the unionizing of their lab mice.

Starbucks Land

It may feel like you already live in Starbucks Land given that there is one on every corner but the company plans on opening a theme park in Alberta, Canada. Orin Smith Starbucks president and CEO says "this is a great opportunity to get the Starbucks name out there. We have tried for years to get establish ourselves as a premiere coffee brand, we figured what better way is there than a theme park." Construction is set to start in early September of 2005. Smith went on to say "we plan on creating a ride that revolves each of our beverages." The park will not serve any Starbucks beverages however Smith said "we don't want to overload our patrons with Starbucks, that would be tacky." Starbucks Land is set to open in late 2006, we here at The News Zone will be first in line for Green Tea-Rex Frappacinasour Experience.

How Free is Fat Free?

A group of concerned citizens have filed suit against the FDA over the FDA approved Fat Free claim so many products adorn. Russ Flemming of Kenosha, Wisconsin feels rather out of place in a town known for its heftiness. Russ is 6 feet tall and weighs only 195 pounds. The town average of someone Russ's height is 245 pounds. Flemming "I am sick of being such an odd ball, you would not believe the looks I get when I walk down the street. For years I have ate nothing but Fat Free products, on my salary I can't afford to pay for my fat." Recently Flemming was comparing the box of a non-Fat Free item to similar Fat Free item and learned that his Fat Free item contained no fat. "I said to myself no wonder I don't pay for the fat there is none in it." After his disillusionment wore off Russ quickly called up a local attorney. "I would have never known to look if it wasn't for those little cartoons promoting a healthy diet." If you would like to take part in the class action suit please visit The Food and Drug Administration website.

Ford's Friends and Family Plan

It seems like everyone today is offering some sort of plan for friends and families. The latest company to jump on the a friends and family bandwagon is Ford. Our very own consumer advocate Julie Landly decided to investigate Ford's new program. To put it simply this plan just does not compare to the others. Julie went to a local Ford dealership to get the scoop and was left rather puzzled. When asked how much it would cost for the base plus an extra line the salesman scratched his head and said "ahh you can get a Focus for $13,975." This was shocking Cingular's base was $65 plus $14 for the extra line and a 2 year contract. Ford is offering a 5 year contract. For that price Ford must be offering a diamond encrusted phone. But when asked the salesman just tried to talk about cars and said the friends and family deal applied to the cars. These Ford people are crazy how do you add an extra line to a car? What are they thinking?

Bill Gates is Homeless

Since the tech bubble burst the economy and many individuals have had some hard times. Gates has had some tough times since the late 90's and is claiming to be homeless. We all know he lost billions but who would have thought he would be homeless now. Recently Gates spoke The News Zone, "I have been very busy recently with the launch of Windows Vista, XBox 360 and Windows Mobile. I hardly leave the office, I am definitely home less now than before." Gates went on to say that after the launch of these projects he plans on no longer being homeless.

Is Less More?

A team of scholars, physicists and veterinarians at Oxford have been trying to answer the question of whether less is in fact more. Walter Thomas a world renown scholar says yes. Thomas uses the great scholar Sophocles as his inspiration for his answer. "Less can be more, it can be all, it is the world." MIT Professor Ronald Kempler disagrees, he states that the Maniplausal Theorem "matter and mass are linked and a greater quantity will always be greater even on a nanosubatomic level." Peter Wilson a veterinarian from Columbus, Ohio said he did not really care he just wanted a free trip the Great Britain to see those guard guys with the Marge Simpson hair.

Are Dolphins Safe?

A group of tuna fishers from South Africa say no. It turns out the seas are not as peaceful as they seem. Sal Johanson the 32 year old captain of the Big Bertha is a 5th generation tuna fisher and is an expert on Dolphin safety. Sal says "we use dolphin safe nets and everything but its just not enough, dolphins have a lot of pressures today that they did not face when my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandpapi started in this business. Dolphins have to be smarter and more personable than ever. Many turn to drugs and gangs, it brings a tear to my every time we set sail." There will be a world wide benefit concert for dolphins on August 25, 2006, National Dolphin Day. You can visit dolphinsafe to purchase your Dolphin Safe wrist band.

We Are Going Quackers

In Wilmington, VA a family of ducks were left a thousand acre plot of land. An eccentric billionaire thought it would be a hoot if he were to leave his estate to the family of ducks how lived in the pond on the property. Before he died Williams turned his property into an independent city. Us here at The News Zone are definitely planning on moving to Quacker Town.