Monkey Motorcycle Gangs

Tawain's National Police Agency have issued a warning against, believe it or not, monkey motorcycle gangs. Harley Davidson recently closed a plant in Tawain, due to trade restriction the company could not export hundreds of motorcycles and Harley Davidson merchandise. The plant was located near a protected wildland home to the largest concentration of Macacus monkeys. Upon the abandonment of the Harley plant the monkey population invaded. Monkeys have been spotted all over Tawain riding motorcycles and wearing leather jackets. At first many thought it was some joke or a publicity stunt, further investigation revealed that the monkeys had taught themselves to ride. The monkeys have causes many accidents with their out of control behavior. So far an estimated 200 have been injured as a result of the monkey's shenanigans. Director-General Ing-Dan Hsien said, "I think this situation stresses the importance of obtaining a drivers license and receiving the proper training to operate a vehicle." Many citizens have been afraid to leave their homes for fear of the monkeys which travel in large packs. Hsien went on to say "We are fearful the monkeys will form out of control motorcycle gangs which are so prominent in The United States." Not missing an opportunity to cash in we are sure the Discovery channel will be creating a new show about the monkeys and their motorcycles.

Paperless System Outrage

Environmentalists are in an uproar over the shift from paper to paperless systems. The National Recycling and Environment Protection Group (NREPG) ordered a boycott today of all paperless systems. Paperless technology has been on the rise since the decade began. Today everything from the newspaper to important contracts are now being produced without the use of paper. Debra Wilmont President of the NREPG, gave a press conference earlier today. "If we stop using paper what will we recycle? We need paper so we can do our ecological duty. " The NREPG launched a campaign last month targeted at elementary school children to teach them of the importance of recycling. "The children will never learn to recycle if they never use any paper. For the sake of the children I am begging everyone to return to using paper." Several large institutions have listened to the NREPG's demands and returned to their old heavy paper usage systems. Of those making the switch is the New York Stock Exchange who are replacing all digital tickers with old fashion paper tickers. Marshall Carter Chairman of the the NYSE said "we want to do our part to help the environment, if we have to use lots of paper to do so then that's what we will do." The switch back to paper systems is a trend that is expected to continue.

Fast Turtles?

A new study recently published in the South African Journal of Turtles shows that the speed in which turtles moves is faster today than when the study began in the 1920's. Walter Kromtoph, a Yale PhD. in Research and Biology, started the study in 1923 after reading "The Tortoise and the Hare" to his son. Walter never believed that turtles were as slow as they appeared. This sparked his life long quest to discover the actual speed of turtles. Walter Kromtoph passed away in 1987 before the study could be completed. Walter's grandson, Philbert, took over the work, "my grandfather gave his life to this quest and I would not rest til I had found the answer to it. 18 years later I have finished his work, the turtle is faster than they let us think. I believe the turtle has been sparked by the current health craze sweeping the nation. I never saw a turle eat a carb even. Its no longer cool to be slow and slothful. Turtles are very social conscience creatures who want to be 'en vogue' as we all do. Look at me for example I was wearing bow ties and a pompadour hair cut way before it was all the rage, as it is now. Just look at Owen Wilson that guy is always stealing 'the Turtle Man's' style." The implications of the findings of this study have yet to be seen.